Whining..

No L art for now, as I'm busy with owed artworks. I've been on a journey to get myself as buried under work as I can get. There are things I don't want to think about, and I avoid. School is starting in 2 weeks, and I am not mentally prepared for that yet. I still feel like it's the middle of July. My bestest friend is leaving me behind to rot with all the cruel classmates we used to share. School is about the be as depressive as it gets. And I have the chance to leave, but I have ties that are keeping me here. Mainly my room. If I were to live in a dorm with multiple people, I might go insane. I will be forced to, once I enter university, but I still have 2 more years until then. So I stay in a place I'm not welcome in. I feel like I'm walking closer and closer to the noose that's supposed to bring me eternal release, the more I make myself suffer here. But change scares me, even if it's better. And I tried to find a remedy, an escapism from the hellish community my school represents, by getting to know people from other schools.

I fucked up, really bad. I lost what I once had, and I want it back. It hurts because it's right in front of me, and I don't know how to get it back. I didn't realize it at the time, but it means a lot to me, and I was so stupid to not see that. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to be vulnerable. But every time I see her, my actions speak before my mind can. She's talking to me about something she's very passionate about, and I'm smiling, even though I don't understand anything about the anime she's mentioning, captivated by her enthusiasm. She's saying something silly, and I laugh twice as loudly and inane as I would do in general, and I don't know why; neither can I stop it. And when she sits next to me, my mind wanders back to the old feeling of how it felt to hold her hand. I want to understand her, I want to be a part of her happiness and her sadness, to belong to her story. I crave the mutual feeling back. Maybe if I'm dedicated long enough, she might change her mind, but I feel so undeserving, especially after already failing once. And all I'm understanding from her behavior is that she's no longer interested. I need to let go, but I'm still asking her to hang out with me every week, complimenting her looks nonstop, and trying to imply how I feel. As far as I can tell, the curtains have already closed, but I'm still trying to play my role. I can't go home yet.
I miss her.

Love to my biggest inspirations

 This is something so niche and embarrassing to discuss (at least for me), but I feel compelled to mention it, as I'm VERY passionate about this topic. No, it's not about L, but more so my favorite artists! There hasn't been anyone in my life art-wise who served as a huge inspiration, at least not since I was 13, but now it's changed. I'm not sure if I should keep their nameless or not, because I'm embarrassed to be so joyful over someone's personal work, even though I know compliments are always something positive to hear. Basically, artist Nekonekoazaraku and Twilightlicious.2000 had completely shifted the way I see the world (which, in my opinion, is one of the best things an artist can achieve through their works). Back in 2024, when I got into Death Note (as a fanartist), I remember looking for inspiration to sketch my class hours away, and Instagram randomly brought up one of Twilight's artworks (to this day I know exactly which...|･ω･) ) and my interest was immediately piqued. I've never seen anyone depict L in such peculiarity as she did. I was fascinated, and my eyes wanted more! And to my joy, she had sooo much more fan art up on her page! From that moment on, her art was an inspiration for mine, although it was minor at the time. Between her fanarts, there was an edit made of another artist's work; Nekoneko's art. And through her, I discovered Nekoneko, but at the time, I didn't pay much attention to it.

Now, one year later, Twilight's content had shifted from Death Note, and although I still adore all of her newer works, I keep scrolling down to her artworks of L, to get that eerie atmosphere I saw back in 2024. While looking at her art, I remembered Nekoneko, and soon, I rediscovered their page as well. This time, their art had truly captivated me.
I can't go a day without taking at least one glance at Nekoneko's DeviantArt profile or going through one of their blogs, and taking in as much as I possibly can from that content. Their art had become my magnum opus. The biblical definition of L! And I'm scared it will get to my head, and I will become too absorbed. But I can't help it! I talk about their art to my friends as well, and they might've even gotten sick of me :'3 but the thing is, I feel like their art is very underappreciated. Twilight's as well. I'd talk about their work day and night, and how much they mean in my eyes, but I would sound like a lunatic lol.

But getting back to Nekoneko, sadly, they'd passed away in 2016, which is very devastating to take in for me. Partly because it's been almost 10 years already, and it's hard to let it sink in. I hope they may rest well, and I wish I could express my admiration for each of their work in a way they'd know, but that will never happen. And that's what hurts the most!!!! (ﾉД`)
The best I can do is observe what they left to the world, and be grateful for how much work there is, created by their hands. I want to make edits of it, as that's the highest form of appreciation I can show to someone else's work! And I hope other people will discover them in the process, too.

As a side note, I really wonder if I would've been able to become mutuals with Nekoneko if the circumstances were a bit different. I'm their No. 1 fan either way! hehe