Whining..

No L art for now, as I'm busy with owed artworks. I've been on a journey to get myself as buried under work as I can get. There are things I don't want to think about, and I avoid. School is starting in 2 weeks, and I am not mentally prepared for that yet. I still feel like it's the middle of July. My bestest friend is leaving me behind to rot with all the cruel classmates we used to share. School is about the be as depressive as it gets. And I have the chance to leave, but I have ties that are keeping me here. Mainly my room. If I were to live in a dorm with multiple people, I might go insane. I will be forced to, once I enter university, but I still have 2 more years until then. So I stay in a place I'm not welcome in. I feel like I'm walking closer and closer to the noose that's supposed to bring me eternal release, the more I make myself suffer here. But change scares me, even if it's better. And I tried to find a remedy, an escapism from the hellish community my school represents, by getting to know people from other schools.

I fucked up, really bad. I lost what I once had, and I want it back. It hurts because it's right in front of me, and I don't know how to get it back. I didn't realize it at the time, but it means a lot to me, and I was so stupid to not see that. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to be vulnerable. But every time I see her, my actions speak before my mind can. She's talking to me about something she's very passionate about, and I'm smiling, even though I don't understand anything about the anime she's mentioning, captivated by her enthusiasm. She's saying something silly, and I laugh twice as loudly and inane as I would do in general, and I don't know why; neither can I stop it. And when she sits next to me, my mind wanders back to the old feeling of how it felt to hold her hand. I want to understand her, I want to be a part of her happiness and her sadness, to belong to her story. I crave the mutual feeling back. Maybe if I'm dedicated long enough, she might change her mind, but I feel so undeserving, especially after already failing once. And all I'm understanding from her behavior is that she's no longer interested. I need to let go, but I'm still asking her to hang out with me every week, complimenting her looks nonstop, and trying to imply how I feel. As far as I can tell, the curtains have already closed, but I'm still trying to play my role. I can't go home yet.
I miss her.